So many reasons ….

Hello everyone ….. I’m so sorry I disappeared I did read your comments and wanted to reply to the last ones but really didn’t know what to say ……

I guess I’ve been very lost since my last post, I just gave up trying and something in me just thought oh well your an alcoholic so just accept it and carry on….. So I did I just carried on ….. drinking as much as I fancied really, whenever wherever.

I’ve thought about this blog so many times then shut it out I didn’t want to face things.

So in the last year or so since starting this blog a lot has happened. The reason I titled this post ‘So many reasons’ is because there’s been so many reason in my head to drink and try to make myself feel better, but there are so many reasons to now stop … There were reasons before when I started this blog bur believe me I’ve spent the last year accumulating so many more …..

I’m not going to go in to gory detail about some of the drunken incidents I’ve had, I’m not ready for that yet but let’s just say there’s been a few that I can cringe at!!!

In the last year I’ve put on over 2 stone in weight ….. wine has a lot of calories!!

My children are making regular comments about my drinking, I now sometimes hide it from them to avoid the grumbles I may get. Whenever I tell my 5 year old it’s wine in my glass his favourite comment of late is ..” your going to be drunk!!”.

My partner / ex ( it’s complicated) has made several comments on my drinking, we’ve argued about it, he’s also been there for the cringe worthy events. He’s also been part of the reason I’ve drank at times…..

My finances are in a pretty sad state as I can’t afford to drink as much as I do ….. how sad!!

I don’t feel very healthy …esp being this weight now!!

I’m not a asking for sympathy lol I guess I’m just writing down not just for others  but for myself to see …. All the reasons why I just have to try again and put the brakes on to prevent this getting even worse!

I really do hope that those of you who got in touch with me regularly are all doing well, I’m sorry I disappeared but I did think of you all very often and hoped you would all be doing better than I was at the time!! I’m happy to be back 😊

Grieving

This blog has mostly been about drinking ….. mainly wine … about stopping, starting, wanting to stop, how will I?  How can u I?  It’s become monotonous.

I started this blog roughly a year ago. It’s strange how the nightmare I’ve been entwined in has also been running for around the same time.

Now rather than explore how the hell I’m gonna stop drinking let’s look at why I find it hard.

My relationship with my partner came to an end around a year ago ….. It did…. but me being me didn’t accept this, there was always a way to make it work again.

So the last year I have spent so much emotional energy “trying”.

Trying to re seal the cracks

Trying to improve the relationship between partner and son.

Trying to feel the way we used to

Trying to have fun together.

Trying to hide the truth from others …. including myself.

Trying to go back to the start.

All this trying is well….. very trying!! It takes so much emotional energy that it drains and drains and drains.

Wot I’ve actually been doing for the last year is putting off the inevitable….. feeling the heart break as a relationship finally ends.

I’ve used wine. … A lot … to help me put this off, to quash those feelings inside, to cope with the constant inner turmoil that lives in me every day.

There’s a song that I completely relate too with regards to my relationship these particular lyrics more so …

“You can’t play on broken strings, you can’t feel anything that your heart don’t want to feel I can’t tell you something that ain’t real”

Along with one of the lyric line’s. ..

“It’s like chasing the last train when we both know it’s too late”

And that’s what I’ve been doing for the last yeat. … chasing that last train in the hope that somehow ill catch it.

In the process there’s been many dramas….. We’ve spent a lot of the year doing and saying things to one another that have hurt deeply. There’s now way more scars than a year ago ….. but hey let’s keep trying and …. of course drink more wine to deal with it …. I’ve said before I don’t cope with feelings esp negative very well so I guess my increased wine intake this last year is self explanatory.

I’m now at a cross roads, I have to move on. I have to deal with these feelings and I have to cry, I haven’t done nearly asu have crying sober as I’ve needed to….. just drank the wine.

I’m not here today to say hey look at me I’m gonna do day 1 again ….. The truth be told I will probably drink tonight …. its my only crutch right now.

But I am here to say to myself mostly …. that I’m not “trying” anymore I’m now going through the process of acceptacne. I’m now going to start to deal with this river of pain that is running deep within in me that I’ve been using stepping stones to avoid for so long.

I hope therefore that this is the first point at which I can now start to move on and make those changes I only day dream of I hope that this is my day 1 …. of starting to heal.

A shift in me

Hi all …..hope youre ok….

The last week I have been ill, initially I must admitt I was concerned that I might be having some kind of withdrawl as I’ve been drinking so much recently maybe part of it was but I actually believe I managed to give myself food poisoning and I’m still not fully over it so waiting to see what the weekend brings as it may be a doctor’s trip Monday.

So yesterday, I started to feel better and it was the first day in many that I got dressed and briefly dare leave the house.

I hadn’t drank for 4 days. ….this is the longest in quite a while!!

Regardless of the fact I still wasn’t fully recovered there was still a little voice in me saying ….. its Friday. .. treat yourself to a little wine …. just make sure you don’t have much and you’ll be fine!!

So I bought some ….. The first glass didn’t go down to fast and I was sure to drink water between as I’m at risk of dehydration already from illness.

The 2nd glass I got 3 quaters down and thought I don’t want this …. threw it away…..

A little later I thought ….. I’ll give it another go so poured another ….. The taste was horrible, I really wasn’t enjoying it, I tried for a bit longer then threw half of it away.

A little later I thought ….. surely this can’t be right!! I was in the middle of sending and receiving  messages from someone that always makes me smile …..to celebrate this good mood …. I need wine in hand. I pour another one. It still tastes horrible and doesn’t make me feel better if not worse?? I pour it away again.

At this point I give up and go to bed.

So why the sudden change? Was it my bodies way of saying “I don’t need this poison right now …. I need to feel better”.

Was it the realisation that drinking wine has become a habit rather than than a need?

Over the last week I’ve had lots of time to reflect on the changes I want in my life…. this includes weight loss, better appearance, less bloated, feel better ….. was I psychologically pushing the wine away as I know it’s not the way forward?

Either way …. The last memory I now have of the thing called wine that was taking over my life is ….. A horrible taste in my mouth and a heavy uncomfortable feeling in my stomach ….. I hope to use these memories the next time the addiction tries to talk me in to buying more…..which I guess won’t be far away!!

So apart from last night’s blip which resulted in to consumption of maybe 2 glasses in total …. this will be day 5

One night off

To be honest I’m sick of doing day one, two etc as I’ve had so many of those then have to start back at the beginning again …. it just add’s to the shame.

So last night i didn’t drink. I had the night off, the first night in quite a while (can’t actually remember how long it’s been that long ). Today I hope not to drink, I have plans for the next few days which involve early rises, I really want to keep to my plans but it won’t happen if I drink ….. watch this space xx

What’s normal …..

I think I’ve probably written about this before but I just wanted to write today’s thoughts on here…..

I know logically what is normal in terms of drinking behaviour but it seems my normality is somewhat different …. For me it’s normal to ….

1. Alternate between shops to buy wine.

2. Hide wine bottles in cupboards.

3.find said empty bottles after I’ve forgot about them.

4. Lok for bargains on food, clothes, refuse to pay full price on anything except wine.

5. Put empty bottles in normal waste bag which will b tied up rather than recycling bin.

6.throw away receipts so people can’t trace how mych wine I’m buying.

7. Wake up with a thick head … i don’t believe I get hangovers but the truth is I’ve forgotten what it feels like to wake up without wine the night before.

8. Feel stressed abd overwhelmed at how much I have to do when I’m barely functioning the first few hours of the day.

I’m not looking for sympathy guys just people that can relate to my situation and I’m guessing if you’re reading this you either have had or do have an issue with alcohol.

I have this dream …. such simple things but out of reach for me right now …

Get jobs done that I keep meaning to do….

Have a clean tidy ish organised house.

Walk my son to school in the mornings feeling refreshed and healthy rather than drive there with minutes to spare feeling foggy and tired.

Read d the pile of books I have waiting for me.

My problem is I don’t want to stop drinking completely and that’s the truth. I want to drink socially, but I really really really want to stop this daily drinking home alone!!!

Today both my children are out overnight …. i am alone all day and night …. perfect opportunity to drink as much as I like without worrying about anyone else ….  however what I’m actually going to do after writing this is make a start on those jobs I never get done…. i want to accomplish something today and see what’s it’s like to wake with no hangover tomorrow….

I appreciate every comment made on here and it really does help to know there’s others like me out there to offer support xxx

I drank again

So despite my post yesterday on the reasons not to drink and they weren’t all of them either!! I drank last night.

All was fine until I had a disagreement with my boyfriend about plans I’d made for us at the weekend. … i felt a mixture of anger, sadness, loneliness, rejection etc due to his reactions and general opinion on the subject ….. obviously I can’t cope with these emotions at all and the ONLY way I know how to cope is drink!!! My logical side tells me it doesn’t make things better but the urge to drink when feeling like this is too powerful it’s the only coping mechanism I’ve known for many years. …. i think I need some cbt or something.

I considered ignoring this blog again because yet again I have drank when I didn’t plan to but at the end of the day this is my journey and even if I  ever manage to stop there’s nothing stopping me from keeping writing about it!!!

For those reading this ….. how do you cope with strong emotions without drinking? ?

Here again

Two days running I’m posting …. knock me down with a feather duster!!

Ive abandoned this blog for a while choosing instead to bury my head in the sand and carry on drinking.

I’ve been drinking a lot. If I was worried before when I blogged then I’m more so now. I think it’s psychological. .. ‘ your an alcoholic so you can drink like one’ well done me!!

Today is day 1. I’m off sick I’m poorly but the 2 bottles of wine last night hasn’t helped.

I’m exhausted, Burnt out, is there any surprise when I keep trying to run the hamster wheel at full pelt but only have the energy of a slug because …. I’m. Drinking, not sleeping enough, always hung over.

On the few days I’ve woke without a hang over in the last few weeks it’s felt strange, a novelty.

I’m committing to trying again. I wouldn’t be here otherwise. I don’t want to be a let down again.

My health is being affected and I know this has to stop!!!!

Thank you to those that still read and comment I always appreciate it.

I will try to post as often as I can …. Day 1 again