Grieving

This blog has mostly been about drinking ….. mainly wine … about stopping, starting, wanting to stop, how will I?  How can u I?  It’s become monotonous.

I started this blog roughly a year ago. It’s strange how the nightmare I’ve been entwined in has also been running for around the same time.

Now rather than explore how the hell I’m gonna stop drinking let’s look at why I find it hard.

My relationship with my partner came to an end around a year ago ….. It did…. but me being me didn’t accept this, there was always a way to make it work again.

So the last year I have spent so much emotional energy “trying”.

Trying to re seal the cracks

Trying to improve the relationship between partner and son.

Trying to feel the way we used to

Trying to have fun together.

Trying to hide the truth from others …. including myself.

Trying to go back to the start.

All this trying is well….. very trying!! It takes so much emotional energy that it drains and drains and drains.

Wot I’ve actually been doing for the last year is putting off the inevitable….. feeling the heart break as a relationship finally ends.

I’ve used wine. … A lot … to help me put this off, to quash those feelings inside, to cope with the constant inner turmoil that lives in me every day.

There’s a song that I completely relate too with regards to my relationship these particular lyrics more so …

“You can’t play on broken strings, you can’t feel anything that your heart don’t want to feel I can’t tell you something that ain’t real”

Along with one of the lyric line’s. ..

“It’s like chasing the last train when we both know it’s too late”

And that’s what I’ve been doing for the last yeat. … chasing that last train in the hope that somehow ill catch it.

In the process there’s been many dramas….. We’ve spent a lot of the year doing and saying things to one another that have hurt deeply. There’s now way more scars than a year ago ….. but hey let’s keep trying and …. of course drink more wine to deal with it …. I’ve said before I don’t cope with feelings esp negative very well so I guess my increased wine intake this last year is self explanatory.

I’m now at a cross roads, I have to move on. I have to deal with these feelings and I have to cry, I haven’t done nearly asu have crying sober as I’ve needed to….. just drank the wine.

I’m not here today to say hey look at me I’m gonna do day 1 again ….. The truth be told I will probably drink tonight …. its my only crutch right now.

But I am here to say to myself mostly …. that I’m not “trying” anymore I’m now going through the process of acceptacne. I’m now going to start to deal with this river of pain that is running deep within in me that I’ve been using stepping stones to avoid for so long.

I hope therefore that this is the first point at which I can now start to move on and make those changes I only day dream of I hope that this is my day 1 …. of starting to heal.

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2 thoughts on “Grieving

  1. I had to go through all that when I went through my divorce. We had to chase that train to prove to ourselves that it was too late. I went back to my ex for a while and then one night I heard his car pulling into the drive and the familiar dread settled in my belly-I had spent years feeling that dread and had finally escaped it, only to put myself right back where I was. That’ s when I decided to make my final escape and not look back. Breaking up with booze was much the same.

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  2. It’s so easy to use wine as a self medicater – that’s what it is for a certain length of time. Then it just becomes useless. Is wine really the only crutch you have right now? It sounds to me that it is more of a cross to bear than a help. I’m not being mean here, I know totally what you’re saying, I get it 100% but if you use it the way I did then all it’s doing is adding to the confusion and the pain. Seriously, I had to give up for a few months before I was actually able to really think straight about things. All this is said with love by the way! xxx

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